It's been a while since I've cried these tears

Four years ago, on Sunday May 23rd, my dad took his own life. I'm at a loss on what to write, think, feel, ect. This hurt I'm feeling I have been able to lock up for quite sometime but the right combination always opens up the memories of that day.

If only he could see his beautiful grandchildren, how proud he would be. If only he could have seen all of his children cross the finish line of a half marathon, how proud he would be. If only he could see how those he had left behind, despite the unbearable pain, have chosen to carry on his wisdom and strength into their own lives, how proud he would be.

I miss you Dad.

Trust

Its such a powerful concept...It amazes me how I can hand my heart over to a stranger but have a hard time, sometimes, trusting the ones closest to me. Learning to trust my own thoughts and feelings has been a very bumpy road for me. I'm coming closer to finding that peace but it seems even the smallest inklings of doubt sets me back centuries.

I want to shout at the top of my lungs "Fear - you no longer have control of me!!!"

But, honestly I cant.

So, I continue on my journey, some days better than others, but I'll be able to face that truth one day soon and finally be free of fear.

Cheers,
Kristen

A Dose of Perspecitve

A look, from what seems like a world away, stopped me in my tracks on my way to journey through my school work tonight. As I'm reflecting on my frustrations of the day, grumbling and wishing time away, I glanced to see a story about the camps in Chile. As I stand there listening in awe I find that I've put myself in the shoes of a little boy paying 30 cents to crowd in a tent with others and watch a comedy show on a small television. They have built their own world, blossoming from a disaster I could not in my wildest dreams imagine. They are rebuilding their lives and relying on the grace of others and their own inner strength to keep them looking towards the future.
A good dose of perspective is just what I needed tonight. I have all I need right here with me. And when I tend to forget that, I can just take a look at the world and see that many have overcome and thrived from unimaginable circumstances.
I hope to carry this through tonight as I trudge through my school work and find another good source of perspective tomorrow and all days to follow.

Cheer,
Kristen

Time to be honest...

So I've decided today that I need to use this blog as a safe spot to shout, cry, scream and recover.

Hard day with the kids. We are all only human, right? But when it becomes your sole responsibility to be taking care of other human beings, (a almost 4 year old and just turned 2 year old, as well as a 29 year old kid ((the husband)), you feel as though a loud train wreck just happened inside your home without anywhere to escape or any help from the locals.

I feel so helpless when my son is so upset but he cannot yet talk to tell me what he needs. It tears my heart in two but I try so hard to keep things in perspective.

I cannot be ashamed to say, I feel guilty. And I need a break.

I'm hear to reassure myself that my thoughts are all mine and its my right to think them. If I'm scared, angry, overwhelmed, tired, blissful, shameful, exotic, quirky...I have every right to be that way.

By advice from my lovely sister, I'm going to actively try the mindless thinking. For without having that time to come back to the truth of things, the motivation to harmonize everything else will be twice as hard.

Cheers,
Kristen

Serendipity

I've become more attuned to re-occurring things in my day to day life. One recent theme would be about breast cancer. As I await my doctor appointment tomorrow morning to most likely find out my paranoia has gotten the best of me, I can't help but think about how much I've heard about that subject recently. I'm second guessing myself by thinking that in some strange way I'm just seeking that subject out but I think there is something else to it. A customer I know from my work had recently come in setting up a benefit account for her co-worker who was recently diagnosed. My boss tells me a story about her sister who had found a lump had a biopsy done and luckily it was benign. I even came home to a family guy episode about breast cancer.....

Being more aware of the prevelance of this disease has to bring some sort of message with it....I pray that all those who have been diagnosed or has a loved one that has breast cancer to stay strong. One day there will be a cure!

Kristen

Time is Relative

So I got to sleep in till 9:52am this morning. This is a rare occasion indeed. The kids were up until after 12 (not with any help from me) and we got to "spring forward" an hour. It just seems so amazing to me how much an hour can make a difference in life. Going way deep - that hour of course is a time that is etched into history that cannot be repeated and looking back, what does that hour say in comparison to your life? What is spent in Kaizen? Was it an hour that you wished you could have a do over? Did you laugh/cry/lament/enjoy/embrace that hour?

This may be just late morning ramblings but in some ways it really makes you think...

Off to get ready for my run!

Cheers,
Kristen

"Kaizen"

Kaizen- Japanese word for constant self-expansion and progress. This being my first blog, I figured this word best describes the journey in life i'm currently embarking upon.

This year has marked many firsts for me already. Firsts that I want to shout to the world and say that I'm finally following my dreams! I'm letting go of regrets and forgiving. I've become awakened to life and all of it's vast beauty. I see myself reflected in my childrens' eyes to find a strong, balanced and beautiful acrobat.

I hope this new pursuit in blogging finds me well and helps center my thoughts and state of being. I also hope that you can come with me on my journey to find enlightenment, hope, understanding and truth in life and love.

Cheers,
Kristen